How can you support your adult children through divorce? These tips will help you ease their pain.
The amazing bond that exists between parents and children will only deepen as they get older. And we think that the kids are strong, independent adults who can handle every situation that comes their way.
They are, but sometimes life hits us when we expect it the least, and if our children’s marriage falls apart, it will be a bit difficult to not overreact and try to protect it as much as possible.
Divorce is heartbreaking because it is painful to let go of a chapter of your life that once was lovely, and now it will be just a memory. While your parent instinct may kick in hard, wait a moment and understand that you can’t do much about it, only to be there for your adult children and support them as much as possible.
For those who want to be there for their adult children without interfering too much, here are some words of wisdom.
Let them vent
As parents, we were always used to talking to our children while they were listening. Now, they’re adults, and you have to understand they need a shoulder to cry on, especially if they’re dealing with divorce.
Now it’s time to let them vent, be angry, and be frustrated. They require a secure place to express themselves more than ever, and who better to do it with than a parent?
Express your understanding and support for them when they talk about their feelings. You might say things like “I love you,” “I understand that you’re hurting,” “It’s okay to be sad,” and “I am here for you no matter what happens.” Be their emotional support when they need it the most.
Don’t be disrespectful (even if you’re angry too!)
If your adult child is going through a bad divorce, they don’t need even more fuel for the fire and, for sure, an angry parent who yells or talks badly to them. You don’t need to increase your child’s level of anxiety, depression, or rage about the circumstances.
Whenever the conversation leads, never but never remind them of their ex-spouse with acidic replies like “they had a reason to leave” or something similar.
Support the grandchildren
Another way to support your adult children through divorce is by focusing on the kids. With this situation going on, the kids will suffer the most. They will see one of their parents go and will be forced to live with the other one. A divorce can affect a child’s mind and traumatize them, so it’s crucial for you as a grandparent to try and be there for them.
Make sure your child and their ex-spouse focus on their young children’s needs and interests. Let them both know you are always there to help them when they need to, but also remind them that even if they’re going to separate, the kid needs both parents to grow healthy.
Furthermore, during these hard times, you may volunteer to drive the grandchildren to extracurricular activities or pick them up from school. Besides distracting them a bit from the situation, you will also get to spend more time with your grandchildren, which can strengthen your bond and create lasting memories.
Even if it’s your child, avoid taking sides
As there were two individuals involved in the marriage, each must accept responsibility for their share of the relationship’s collapse. Since blood is thicker than water, stay at your child’s side and offer support.
You may end up breaking not just your child’s connection with their ex-spouse but also your relationships if you start picking sides and making loud statements about who is right and wrong.
Advise them to seek professional help
While you will be there for your adult child no matter what, you may still not know how to help them get over the divorce. Over the years, there has been a huge stigma surrounding this topic, but seeking professional help shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of.
Depending on their circumstances, they could find it helpful to talk to a therapist, financial advisor, or divorce coach. To understand their rights and obligations, they should, above all, get legal counsel as soon as possible.
Sometimes therapy can be super expensive, and not everybody can afford to go there, even if they want to. While seeking professional help after divorce is very important to help you get over it, a book written by a psychologist can also be helpful.
The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive is a book that focuses on legal matters, how divorce affects everyone, especially the kids, and, most importantly, helps you have better conversations with the children and explain to them that if mommy and daddy are separated, they still love you no matter what. Order your copy for $13.64 from Amazon!
Encourage them to be reasonable even if the situation is bad
Even if your child thinks their ex-spouse is acting irrationally, they may still be in charge if you remain respectful and kind. It is usually preferable to ignore an angry or unreasonable request or demand.
It is crucial to support cooperation, compromise, and open communication between your kid and their ex-spouse to ensure that the agreements and settlements are short-lived and improve their future shared connection.
Encourage your child to approach co-parenting positively
…Even if it’s hard! Divorce is an extremely painful experience. Witnessing the departure of the person you once loved and shared everything with is definitely not easy. That’s why you must be there for your adult children and tell them they should be reasonable about co-parenting because it is for the child’s good.
Be civil and respectful to your child’s ex-spouse
You might be better off being an impartial party in the divorce if you wish to be active in your ex-son/daughter-in-law’s life as well as your relationship with the grandkids.
To be included in future family events, such as Christmas, school and church functions, weddings, and birthday celebrations, it is important to support your adult child and their spouse in collaborating and co-parenting.
Reach out to the other grandparents
You may not have been friends with them, but in this circumstance, you will be surprised that the divorce of both of your kids may get you closer. Try to keep relationships as positive as possible, and always focus on discussion topics about the grandkids. Never let yourself be driven by anger and insult your child or so. Remember to be impartial!
Do not forget that you will all interact with one another at family gatherings (such as weddings and birthdays).
Takeaway:
Don’t say something you might later regret. To set yourself up for a happy, long-lasting future relationship with both your adult children and your grandkids, make sure you don’t say anything hurtful, demeaning, or disparaging about any party in the divorce.
You know, it’s impossible to predict if your child will make peace with their ex!
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